Not what we expected, but no less beautiful. As some may know, my pregnancy had some complications. Other than a potential heart defect (that came out to be nothing!) his growth issues and the fear of having to deliver the baby way too early, there was also the possibility of our sweet boy having Down Syndrome. It’s been out in the open for a while now but as of several weeks ago we recieved the test results that confirmed August indeed does have DS.
When they took August back to be weighed and cleaned shortly after he was born, Jimmy followed behind and snapped photos and that was when the tears came for me. I began to weep. I said goodbye to the child we expected and mourned that loss. Then through tear-filled eyes I glanced over at my husband and son and looked at Jimmy’s face and all I saw was pure adoration as he stared at his son and took photo after photo. The tears were still there. But they were tears that for me, were the first steps towards acceptance. Because even though we didn’t get the confirmed diagnosis until weeks after his birth, in my heart I knew. I just knew. And as I laid there with voices all around me and nurses oohing and ahhing over our new baby, I heard only one voice. And it wasn’t my own.
So he may have Down Syndrome. But you and Jimmy are going to be so blessed with this precious gift from Me.
Then they handed him back to me. His huge eyes opened wide and blinked around the room, then stared straight into mine and something happened. God answered my prayers…that a Down Syndrome diagnosis wouldn’t be the only thing I would see when I looked at my son. There was an undeniable bond between us and our son and tears of happiness, heart swelling happiness overcame me.
Look, I can’t say that life is rainbows and sunshine with our new baby 24-7. It’s hard. We have tons of appointments. Some that will be out of state. Tons of follow-ups. Medication. Physical therapy/occupational therapy/speech therapy, Appointments that are essential to go to, but still hard to cope with. We as parents are struggling bigtime. And I worry for his future and potential obstacles he may come across. I feel an intense mama bear instinct to protect him. And when I struggle with thoughts of the future and less than great news at doctors appointments, the anger and “why us?” thoughts begin to surface. How did this happen? Why did this happen to us? Our odds were SO low, yet we were “the one” in so many thousands. How are we ever going to be cut out for this? It’s not fair…
But we were chosen by God to be his parents. And I’m realizing that if we did end up having a baby with typical chromosomes, it wouldn’t be August. And I want August. He is ours and he may have that extra special chromosome, but he is normal. He is our normal. He whines and yells at you when you change his diaper before he’s been fed. He loves baths and getting his hair washed. He loves loves LOVES to be cuddled and held skin-to-skin. He is no different.
And when we announced to friends and family that the test results came back positive for DS, I got flooded with inbox messages and many of them shared about a person they know with Down Syndrome, whether it was a relative, family friend, someone they went to high school with, or someone they worked with. Every single person shared how much of an impact that special person made in their life. How they had never known anyone so loving, happy, and wonderful. They told me funny stories, told me about how smart these kids were, and how they along with so many people loved being around them. The more messages I read, the more I realized as Auggie grows up, he will be THAT boy. He will grow up to be that special boy and later that young man who people will tell stories about. He will be the person that will impact so many lives and give hope to those who are learning to take those steps forward to getting to know their new blessing. And the cycle will repeat itself. And I love that my son gets to be a part of that cycle.
So please, no “I’m sorry” comments. Down Syndrome is not a tragedy or a death sentence, it’s a blessing. HE is our blessing. No, better yet, our tiny miracle.
But like I said, we have a long way to go. We still need to ask God to lift those feelings of anger, sadness, and worry for our son. But as the ever so popular essay goes, We thought we were going to Italy, but we landed in Holland instead. And that’s where we will stay. Not what we expected, but no less beautiful. And you know what? I think in time, we’re gonna be more than okay with that.
Auggie is so blessed to have two wonderful parents who will be by his side every step of the way. I pray that he is the child that will keep everyone up to their toes with his personality and that he shines his light among his peers and may he always make you proud too
May God keep blessing this wonderful family
You are my hero. I followed a pin from an outfit of yours posted in November 2011. You said something about your man being in the Air Force and I decided I needed to read your blog. Your strength in God makes me want more of Him. I’m in awe of your baby. You and your appointments and everything to come will be in my prayers. Love, a touched stranger
there really aren’t even words for how ADORABLE he is. goodness, those faces he’s making make my heart so happy.
what a blessing that God chose you guys to be August’s parents
I found your blog through an outfit pin on pinterest, and I am so grateful for it. More and more tears fell from my eyes as I read this post. You two are extremely inspirational and are true role models for not only August, but for people like me that “stumble” onto this story. I’ve always imagined how I would react to my child being born in any way that I didnt expect. I know now that it is not just something that I can accept but something I will embrace. Thank you, thank you thank you.
Thank you for being such an inspiration in not just birth, but in lifes unexpected events. May God continue to bless you and your beautiful family.
P.S You’re a great story teller/writer!
HE IS BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have no idea how I ended up on your blog but I wanted to tell you that your son is one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen!
When our son was 10 months old we found out he had dandy walker variance. In a nutshell it means he’s delayed in fine motor skills, speech, balance and we’re not sure as to where he’ll plateau. He walked at 3, now 6, he’s still non-verbal and very reliant on us.
He’s been the most amazing gift to my wife and I. He’s taught us so much patience and we’ve learned not to take anything for granted. He’s the most loving and cheerful boy and we wouldn’t change anything about him. Every step of progress is a huge celebration in our home.
Celebrate your son. He’s got a beautiful smile. Your life may be a little different than others and probably a little harder…but his love will continue to give you strength.
Greetings. I believe there’s something incorrect with your RSS feed. I hope you can fix it!
I read through this entire post and just started crying. I am now currently devouring every post made about your baby because he is the most precious and adorable thing ever. He is going to have the sweetest heart and I know that I will keep you and your family in my prayers. so much strength i will be sending your want!
I came across your blog via Pinterest and am immensely glad I did. This is the most beautifully written post I’ve ever read. I have goosebumps and am crying happy tears. Your baby boy is beautiful – God bless you and your family.
that’s one handsome lad
you’ve got there
thanks for sharing your heart
{alison}
I happened upon your blog looking up info on iugr and read about August. He is absolutely gorgeous. I’ll tell you my short story. In 2011, I was pregnant with a boy and tests said possible chromosome issues. The only thing that came to mind was down syndrome. We had tried for so long with m/c after m/c that I though ok so what I will still love him. Unfortunately, that didn’t last long as his heart stopped beating on August 18, 2011. He didn’t have down syndrome but Trisomy 18 which is a pretty much fatal trisomy. Anyways, in reading your posts, I remember feeling the same way that I would love him just the same and in fact I had this awesome feeling as if it would be a greater love than if he were “normal”. So glad to see a young couple embrace this gift. God Bless you both!!!
I have read and heard that Down syndrome babies are the most beautiful babies. Looking at your little boy I have to say I agree!
Your story is so beautiful. I can’t imagine the range of emotions you went through and are probably still going through. But our God is bigger and He’s got this. I am one of those people whose life has been impacted by a child with DS. I used to work for a nonprofit disabled org in MT and spent my summers volunteering at a day camp where I was paired with a kid and my last year I was paired with the sweetest boy with DS. I’ve never forgotten the bond we made and the laughs we shared. He was such a precious boy and your son will impact so many people’s lives. and as his mama, you will too.