I hope you mama’s out there had a fantastic mother’s day! I have a whole post reserved for my first mama-to-be day, but I’m saving it for later as this is a little more important at the moment…

This will most likely be one of the hardest posts I’ll ever have to write and I know this because it’s already been an hour and I’ve managed to already enter a vicious cycle of typing, only to press the backspace button repeatedly. I’ve never found myself very good with the words, but writing this is necessary.

When we found out the gender of our baby, we had a follow-up appointment a few days later. We were then told that the ultrasound measurments showed a small amount of fluid around his heart (the technical term being Pericardial Effusion) and that my pregnancy would now be flagged as high risk and we will need to be seen off base for a level 2 ultrasound. I remember sitting in the room trying to hold myself together as my OB said “It’s probably nothing, but for something like this it’s better to get sent off base where there is better equipment to see a more detailed ultrasound of the baby and doctors with more experience.”

That was in March.

We’ve been going to those appointments and getting monthly level 2 ultrasounds along with my regular appointments with my OB’s on base. But this last appointment brought us some hard news to swallow and we are now finding ourselves desparate for support and to be covered in prayers by our friends and family. We found out that our son has IUGR (Intrauterine Growth Restriction) and is also at risk for Down’s Syndrome. For those of you that don’t know what IUGR is, to sum it up it’s basically when the baby is smaller than expected and their weight is below the 10th percentile for their gestational age. We were told that below 10th percentile is when they can be diagnosed with IUGR, and the 5th percentile and below is grounds for severe IUGR. Our boy is in the 7th percentile, hovering just in the middle. There are a number of reasons why a baby can have IUGR. It can be because of an issue with the placenta not growing properly preventing enough oxygen flow to the baby, chromosomal abnormalities (like DS), or sometimes a small person can just have a small baby.

In our case, it looks like the first two, and more than likely the third. We were told that there are a few markers in the ultrasound showing that he may have DS, and that my placenta isn’t giving him enough oxygen than he needs. The fluid around his heart is still present as well, even increasing a small amount since the first 19 week ultrasound measurment when they detected it. We were offered the amnio test a second time, which we declined again. I’m sure the doctor noticed the look of horror on my face as he quickly tried assuring that odds are, the baby does not have DS. He also made it a point to let us know that his concern isn’t as focused on the baby having DS or even the heart fluid anymore, but that I can carry our baby longer and we will not need to induce labor due to him not recieving enough oxygen.

I am now 28 weeks along, and the doctor expressed hope that I make it to 32 weeks without needing to deliver and hopefully seeing some progress from that point on. Full term would of course be ideal, but as his oxygen flow is the most important issue now, he may very well be born prematurely. He also informed me that we need to walk in to our now weekly ultrasound appointments being prepared to deliver just a few hours later, if needed. It all boils down to his oxygen, or lack thereof.

I guess now is the time I express my feelings.
I’m scared. Jimmy is scared. We found out everything less than a week ago and it’s been hard for me to go a day without shedding tears and feeling emotionally and physically drained, or the urge to just sleep my fears and worries away. Jimmy is in somewhat of a numb state, and struggling with anger towards the situation. Of course raising a child with DS would be challenging, but as of now all we want is to carry this baby longer. I’ve found myself clinging to my blanket every night asking God to just let me carry him…just a little bit longer. It’s terrifying to know that each week we will be walking in to our appointments and could get told at any moment that we need to deliver a tiny little boy that will more than likely weigh 2 pounds or less within hours.

And I just want to be real with this. I know that God doesn’t give us what we can’t handle, and if we were blessed enough to be given a DS baby, it would be because He knows that we would be capable, special parents who are fit to care for such an amazing little boy. After all, DS kids are some of the happiest, loving, and brightest people you could ever meet. But I’m still scared. I’m scared that I’ll deliver a preemie who will live in the NICU for months and we won’t be able to take him home. I’m scared that our precious baby boy won’t be able to breathe and we can lose him at any moment, whether it’s in the womb or as a stillborn. As a young, healthy (albeit petite) 25 year old I just assumed I’d have a smooth pregnancy and a healthy baby. I assumed that only women a certain age and beyond had babies with DS. I just assumed and wrote so many things off because hey, I’m young and in my prime. I may have been naive to think so, but now more than ever do Jimmy, I, and baby boy need your prayers.

At this point Jimmy and I attempting to transition from fear, sadness, and bitterness to acceptance, trust and thankfulness that God gave us this sweet boy that we are madly in love with already. It’s not safe for me to be constantly worrying as it’s not good to put stress on the baby. From this point on begins an attempt to constant prayer, cherishing the kicks of our still very active (and sometimes feisty) little boy, and enjoying however much time we have left until we get to meet him. Please keep our family in your prayers…not only for our baby boy’s health, but for our hearts to mend as his parents and to trust in our Lord whatever the outcome. It would mean the world to us.

We will be updating the blog and Facebook as often as we can to keep everyone in the loop. Thanks dear friends and family, for taking the time to read through this and allowing me to share a bit of my heart!

I am just THAT bad at being up to date on outfit photos. These photos were taken at around…22/23 weeks, I believe? And I’ll be 27 weeks this Sunday! Needless to say, the bump has indeed popped out…here is proof:

I’ve been pretty on top of my bump update photos, but it has made me a little sad to slack so much in the outfit department. I just never seem to have the time anymore. But for good reason, I promise. We are a procrastinating family and are just getting started this week on clearing out the nursery (it was our “storage” room before) and will be buying things very soon. We’ve got a generous amount of clothes, but that’s pretty much it. My nesting urges have kicked in, but I’m not exactly in freak-out mode yet. But it’s coming…yes, I can feel it. From what my automatic pregnancy updates say, baby is now shifting into head down position and opening his eyes. Two milestones in the pregnancy department that I’m pretty excited about! I have another ultrasound on Thursday that I’m slightly nervous and excited for…mostly excited though. I love seeing my little boy.

Do you ever feel like your bump is an illusion in pictures? If you look at those last two photos, they were taken on the same day, except I look significantly larger in the second one. And to be honest, I can’t decide which one is more accurate to how I look in person. Maybe I need to work on perfecting accurate pregnancy angles?

Today I feel very scatterbrained and all over the place so I’m going to drink some tea, get some work done around the house and on the computer, and call it a day. Happy Tuesday!

a glimpse of our three years together.

And in case you were wondering…

Our Wedding Story.

This past week has been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster. I’ve dealt with worry and anxiety over the baby’s health, have gone into crying fits over my changing body and the fact that I’m not even in the third trimester and there is still a ways to go, and some days I just plain struggle with insecurity and feelings of inadequacy as a soon to be mother. Second trimester has indeed been good to me, physically. But my emotions have gone haywire and I’ve had some pretty irrational thoughts. But then…

I get slapped with a reality check. A big one.

I was created in His image. God blessed me to carry this tiny little boy. He gave me life, is giving my son life, and is letting me carry and nuture him for the next few months. He gave me a husband who is an excellent encourager, lifts me up and lets me know how beautiful he finds my pregnant self, without me having to ask. These are the little reminders He sends me when I whine unnecessarily, look in the mirror and dislike what I see, when I think of worst case scenarios with the babe’s health, and mostly, when I try to be in control of it all.

I will struggle with these feelings all over again and tell myself some more lies, I’m sure. But today my heart is full knowing that my loving God is in control and asks me to cast all those worries on Him. So if you will excuse me, I am off to bask in some more sleepy husband and doggie cuddles and baby kicks.

Well I suppose it’s not looking TOO far back, but this outfit is about three weeks old. This is actually what I wore to find out the babe’s gender. I was 19 weeks in this photo, and am now 22 weeks. I feel like there is a huge difference in the size of my belly now, as well. Don’t think so? See my last post! Baby boy is now kicking up a storm and it’s at the point where it wakes me up, or prevents me from falling asleep. But it’s hard to complain about that since Jimmy arrived home this week and got to feel those kicks for the first time a few days ago

This is also the last outfit post you will see in snow, it’s currently break-up season here in Anchorage and there is slippery ice on the ground which is unsafe for a preggo such as myself to be standing around taking photos in my driveway, and the snow that was once white is now brown and needless to say…it ain’t too pretty. So I’ll be moving my What I’m Wearing posts indoors for now until it’s a little nicer looking outside!

Indulging in my cravings (Mexican hot chocolate, nutella on banana bread, blackberries, cheese, and chocolate covered strawberries…YUM), pampering myself with green and glitter nails, showing off the lovely leaf clip that was gifted to me from one of my oldest blogging friends, Kaley! She runs the etsy shop Honey Pie Headbands where she makes gorgeous flower crowns, hair clips, and so on. Pretty much, if you want something cute to put in your hair, go to her shop!!! She is such an incredibly sweet and talented lady and when I recieved my leaf clip in the mail, I was too excited to not share it with the rest of the world. It’s pretty much been on my head non-stop since. And since she’s a dear friend of mine and an all around wonderful lady, check out her personal blog. cold hands + warm heart. Definitely one of my favorites.

My sweet Layla girl standing on the couch weird, And lastly, a peek at the 21 week belly. Also, me in my first maternity dress/tunic/thing? I feel like the photo is a bit decieving and makes the belly look rather larger than usual! But that dress does hug me well and brings out the essence of the bump, so I’m not complaining. I feel great!

Jimmy should be coming home VERY soon so I will be in early nesting/cleaning mode starting tomorrow. I feel like a tough lady for being alone this whole month while he’s been out of the country, (although I know it’s nothing compared to a deployment) But I have been missing him like crazy and couldn’t be more excited to have him back home with me, baby boy, and Layla

Remember how I said in my last baby update that I felt like I popped? Well, I take that back. I actually knocked over something on the kitchen counter with my belly this morning. It was awesome, and I’m not being sarcastic. I’m loving the extra amount of activity I’ve been feeling from him lately and I’m cherishing this time before things start to get real uncomfortable. Since Jimmy has been out of the country the whole month, I haven’t made too many purchases for the babe yet other than some impulse purchases on clothes and tiny little shoes above (already taking after his momma and building up a shoe collection…uh oh), but once he gets back I know I’ll be pretty anxious to start on the nursery. That’s what pinning does to you! I have so many ideas floating around my head since I want his nursery to be DIY’ed to the max…other than furniture of course. There’s something more special to me about handmaking some of the things that we’ll be putting in his room (even though I’m not the slightest bit crafty). So we’ll see how that goes I’ve got a slightly busy weekend ahead but after that I’m looking forward to some relaxation and hopefully before I know it, the arrival of my sweet husband who I’m missing pretty badly right about now.

Happy weekend!

It’s been a while since you’ve seen one of these posts, hasn’t it?! I still feel the need to point out how behind I am in blogging my sessions, but I’m sure most of you are tired of hearing that by now…so moving on, this session is probably one of my top 5 favorites for a few reasons. Brittany was one of the very first friends I made here in Alaska and also takes photos on the side. Her husband is currently deployed so when she came to me for pre-deployment photos, I was more than excited to take them. It was the peak of fall here and while most Alaskans say we don’t have seasons, I think this session proves otherwise! The leaves were all sorts of colors and shades and I don’t think these pictures do justice to how beautiful it really was outside. Basically, they were super fun to photograph and while it’s completely understood that most men and husbands (mine included) aren’t into getting their photos taken, her husband Mikal was enthusiastic, totally into it and that just makes it all the more funner for me to document! I can’t wait to do their homecoming photos!

She sent me home with some photos so I showed him…then came the big surprise

BOY!!!

We are absolutely in love with our SON, and are over the moon happy with the news. Now that it’s out, I did have a very strong feeling all along that he was a boy, but I tried not to assume he would be. The rest of the day has been full of texts, phone calls, Skype calls, and lots of squealing and screaming It feels so nice to not have to call him “it” anymore, and now that we know, we just feel so much closer to him. God has blessed us so much with this pregnancy and our sweet baby boy. I can’t believe it.

I am happy to say that other than a few maxi skirts and basic tee’s, I haven’t bought many new items of clothing to fit the bump. I’m still pretty small, but I’d like to avoid spending the extra money on maternity clothes for as long as I can and if I get to a point where nothing fits…well, I’ll figure something out. I’d love to get away with never having to wear sweats in public. (I do that enough around the house as it is ) Maybe I sound a bit unrealistic and probably even naive, but I am instead trying to use this time to soak up how much I am loving carrying this baby and finding any excuse to dress up. I know I won’t feel this way when I’m due (OR overdue), but hey…second trimester is treating me quite well so far, so I’m gonna milk this out as much as I can!

I’ve been itching SO badly for the snow to melt here and by doing so I’ve been eyeing my pastel colored items of clothing and trying my hardest to not let the snow bum me out, so I went ahead and started attempting to winterize all of those clothes. It’s going okay so far, but the neutral colors in my closet heavily outweigh the colorful ones. But I won’t go shopping, I won’t! So I’ll make-do with what I’ve got….

Today I am officially 19 weeks, and we are finding out the babe’s gender in less than 48 hours! I’ve been talking about it so much, but really, I can hardly contain my excitement. So the next time you see a post from me, it’ll be sharing some exciting news!