I hope you mama’s out there had a fantastic mother’s day! I have a whole post reserved for my first mama-to-be day, but I’m saving it for later as this is a little more important at the moment…

This will most likely be one of the hardest posts I’ll ever have to write and I know this because it’s already been an hour and I’ve managed to already enter a vicious cycle of typing, only to press the backspace button repeatedly. I’ve never found myself very good with the words, but writing this is necessary.

When we found out the gender of our baby, we had a follow-up appointment a few days later. We were then told that the ultrasound measurments showed a small amount of fluid around his heart (the technical term being Pericardial Effusion) and that my pregnancy would now be flagged as high risk and we will need to be seen off base for a level 2 ultrasound. I remember sitting in the room trying to hold myself together as my OB said “It’s probably nothing, but for something like this it’s better to get sent off base where there is better equipment to see a more detailed ultrasound of the baby and doctors with more experience.”

That was in March.

We’ve been going to those appointments and getting monthly level 2 ultrasounds along with my regular appointments with my OB’s on base. But this last appointment brought us some hard news to swallow and we are now finding ourselves desparate for support and to be covered in prayers by our friends and family. We found out that our son has IUGR (Intrauterine Growth Restriction) and is also at risk for Down’s Syndrome. For those of you that don’t know what IUGR is, to sum it up it’s basically when the baby is smaller than expected and their weight is below the 10th percentile for their gestational age. We were told that below 10th percentile is when they can be diagnosed with IUGR, and the 5th percentile and below is grounds for severe IUGR. Our boy is in the 7th percentile, hovering just in the middle. There are a number of reasons why a baby can have IUGR. It can be because of an issue with the placenta not growing properly preventing enough oxygen flow to the baby, chromosomal abnormalities (like DS), or sometimes a small person can just have a small baby.

In our case, it looks like the first two, and more than likely the third. We were told that there are a few markers in the ultrasound showing that he may have DS, and that my placenta isn’t giving him enough oxygen than he needs. The fluid around his heart is still present as well, even increasing a small amount since the first 19 week ultrasound measurment when they detected it. We were offered the amnio test a second time, which we declined again. I’m sure the doctor noticed the look of horror on my face as he quickly tried assuring that odds are, the baby does not have DS. He also made it a point to let us know that his concern isn’t as focused on the baby having DS or even the heart fluid anymore, but that I can carry our baby longer and we will not need to induce labor due to him not recieving enough oxygen.

I am now 28 weeks along, and the doctor expressed hope that I make it to 32 weeks without needing to deliver and hopefully seeing some progress from that point on. Full term would of course be ideal, but as his oxygen flow is the most important issue now, he may very well be born prematurely. He also informed me that we need to walk in to our now weekly ultrasound appointments being prepared to deliver just a few hours later, if needed. It all boils down to his oxygen, or lack thereof.

I guess now is the time I express my feelings.
I’m scared. Jimmy is scared. We found out everything less than a week ago and it’s been hard for me to go a day without shedding tears and feeling emotionally and physically drained, or the urge to just sleep my fears and worries away. Jimmy is in somewhat of a numb state, and struggling with anger towards the situation. Of course raising a child with DS would be challenging, but as of now all we want is to carry this baby longer. I’ve found myself clinging to my blanket every night asking God to just let me carry him…just a little bit longer. It’s terrifying to know that each week we will be walking in to our appointments and could get told at any moment that we need to deliver a tiny little boy that will more than likely weigh 2 pounds or less within hours.

And I just want to be real with this. I know that God doesn’t give us what we can’t handle, and if we were blessed enough to be given a DS baby, it would be because He knows that we would be capable, special parents who are fit to care for such an amazing little boy. After all, DS kids are some of the happiest, loving, and brightest people you could ever meet. But I’m still scared. I’m scared that I’ll deliver a preemie who will live in the NICU for months and we won’t be able to take him home. I’m scared that our precious baby boy won’t be able to breathe and we can lose him at any moment, whether it’s in the womb or as a stillborn. As a young, healthy (albeit petite) 25 year old I just assumed I’d have a smooth pregnancy and a healthy baby. I assumed that only women a certain age and beyond had babies with DS. I just assumed and wrote so many things off because hey, I’m young and in my prime. I may have been naive to think so, but now more than ever do Jimmy, I, and baby boy need your prayers.

At this point Jimmy and I attempting to transition from fear, sadness, and bitterness to acceptance, trust and thankfulness that God gave us this sweet boy that we are madly in love with already. It’s not safe for me to be constantly worrying as it’s not good to put stress on the baby. From this point on begins an attempt to constant prayer, cherishing the kicks of our still very active (and sometimes feisty) little boy, and enjoying however much time we have left until we get to meet him. Please keep our family in your prayers…not only for our baby boy’s health, but for our hearts to mend as his parents and to trust in our Lord whatever the outcome. It would mean the world to us.

We will be updating the blog and Facebook as often as we can to keep everyone in the loop. Thanks dear friends and family, for taking the time to read through this and allowing me to share a bit of my heart!

This past week has been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster. I’ve dealt with worry and anxiety over the baby’s health, have gone into crying fits over my changing body and the fact that I’m not even in the third trimester and there is still a ways to go, and some days I just plain struggle with insecurity and feelings of inadequacy as a soon to be mother. Second trimester has indeed been good to me, physically. But my emotions have gone haywire and I’ve had some pretty irrational thoughts. But then…

I get slapped with a reality check. A big one.

I was created in His image. God blessed me to carry this tiny little boy. He gave me life, is giving my son life, and is letting me carry and nuture him for the next few months. He gave me a husband who is an excellent encourager, lifts me up and lets me know how beautiful he finds my pregnant self, without me having to ask. These are the little reminders He sends me when I whine unnecessarily, look in the mirror and dislike what I see, when I think of worst case scenarios with the babe’s health, and mostly, when I try to be in control of it all.

I will struggle with these feelings all over again and tell myself some more lies, I’m sure. But today my heart is full knowing that my loving God is in control and asks me to cast all those worries on Him. So if you will excuse me, I am off to bask in some more sleepy husband and doggie cuddles and baby kicks.

Inspired by this post and many other posts I’ve seen lately in the “blog world” about not portraying a perfect life and being real, I decided to sit down and share. I’ve been wanting to make a post about this for a while, but with all the baby talk and hoopla I kind of pushed it to the side. But one of the main reasons it’s taken me so long to write this out is because I love my privacy and it’s more enjoyable to write about the happy things to keep that privacy, Plus, my mindset has always been, “Why would I want to look back on all the painful memories I blogged about?” In a nutshell…keeping things happy and positive on a blog is just easier.

Can you guess what I’m about to say next? My life isn’t always happy and positive. I’m not always happy and positive. So let me divulge a bit and attempt to break out of my privacy bubble and fill you in on some of the not-so-amazing. You know, while I am being raw and honest here, I guess a part of me always looked down on those who aired out their dirty laundry and problems to everyone via the internet. And that was wrong of me, but I do believe there is a way to be honest and real, all the while keeping it classy. Hopefully I can find that balance. So here goes.

Maybe the realization that our family is expanding in the near future has got me thinking about all the changes, routines, and sacrifices we will have to make. Since we found out I am expecting, I’ve been trying to keep a realistic mindset and not assume that being parents is all about snuggling, laughter, cute baby faces and noises and whatnot. Sure, those are the enjoyable parts and I cannot wait to experience them. But, it does seem really hard. And that scares me for a few reasons.

Okay, I love to sleep. I really do. Ask any of my close friends or family and they will tell you the same. If I could get away with it every day, I would sleep until noon. I cherish my sleep, and I am not a pleasant person when I haven’t gotten what I think is enough sleep either. So I try to imagine myself getting woken up every two to three hours by desperate baby cries of hunger and dirty diapers and I get a little worried. I hear it comes naturally and you just DO it, but among the many doubts and struggles I go through, oddly enough sleep is one of them and I worry about being irritated and angry with my perfectly innocent child for my own selfish reasons.

Secondly, I hate to clean. I really, really don’t like it. If I wasn’t already lazy enough, I would get up and take a picture of the pile of unsorted laundry thats sitting on our bed at this moment, the pile of dirty dishes in the sink, Layla’s doggie toys scattered all over the living room floor and show you all. But I’ll pass…mostly because I’m lazy. Jimmy is actually more into cleanliness and organization than I am but I try not to put all of the cleaning on him so we tag team it…but it’s rare that I’ll do it without a couple whiny noises here and there. It frustrates me that something everyone does is THAT hard for me and I’m already anticipating how much more will need to be done when we have a tiny baby.
And pretty much, I’ll just say this. If I am not planning on leaving the house, I am either in PJ’s or yoga pants, with a hoodie and unwashed hair. I could go on but hopefully by now you get the drift.

And my marriage. I love being married to Jimmy. He is my best friend and I love him more than words could describe. But like everyone else, our marriage needs work. We have hurt each other in ways no one else has. I disrespect him when I’m upset with sarcasm or the silent treatment, eyerolling, or storming out. He corrects me in front of people and makes me feel small sometimes, and he never rinses the milk from the bottom of his cup leaving crusty stains that I have to scrub off (Ok, I know that’s not a big deal but it drives me insaneee and I know he will read this so I just had to). And yes, we do go to bed angry sometimes. There is more but I’m afraid the rest is just between us and God. We’ve had a taste of what it’s like for God to not be at the center of our marriage and the further we are away from Him, I’m realizing that the petty fights, questionable thoughts, and disrespect happens more often and is more intense.

I don’t want to end this post with a fluffy speech about how I love my life regardless of it’s messiness because that’s a given. I have come far from such a broken childhood and hating life (that subject alone deserves a whole other post that I am planning on writing about in the future) that I am so grateful to be where I am now and I only have Christ to thank for that. But I just want to apologize if I have ever came off as one of those blogs who is so unbelievably happy and perfect that when you scroll through their posts, you actually feel bad about yourself. I’ve been there and have felt that way, too. I doubt any blogger means to come off that way and TRIES to make people feel inadequate by looking like they have it all together and can do it all. But I’ve seen both sides and I just want to show you all the truth about me, us, and I hope that I can be someone who is relatable to you, rather than someone who just doesn’t seem to ever have problems!

And typing this post has motivated me to get up and get to those dishes as they are directly across from me in plain view, so before that motivation fades (the more I’m typing the more it’s fading) I better get on it!

As the title of this post states, these photos are a bit old. But I figured I’d post them anyway. It’s weird to look at them because I can notice how much the scenery has changed since then. The trees are no longer that vibrant green and are pretty much bare, and most of the leaves that have fallen on the ground are dead. And I’ll state the obvious…it’s flippin’ cold! Yes, I am a wuss, but seriously…the first snow fall is due any day now. While most of you are welcoming Fall, we are preparing for an early Winter!

Having Jimmy take my photos has been loads of fun for me cause I get to sneak in some mushy pics. But nonetheless, I got a Gorilla Pod to hold me over until my tripod gets here with our stuff. It’s for me to use on those days when my begging and puppy dog eyes won’t work

Well technically, to some of you, I didn’t. But as long as it’s the 17th here, it’s still my birthday. And I’m still milking it. (and also being the nerd that I am, was rushing to make this post before midnight so that it still counts)

Today was all in all, amazing. I am quite surprised that I didn’t crack and shed some tears over the fact that I’m in my mid twenties. I just simply enjoyed it. Got treated to a manicure by one of my besties here in Alaska, then came home to my sweet and selfless husband who is still recovering from his post wisdom teeth surgery and in a good amount of pain, who was determined to make sure my birthday was a memorable one. We went to a relaxing dinner, I got spoiled with some presents (a new lens that was used to take the pictures above and some home decor goodies) and came home to set up our new things. A great day indeed. I am thankful for my 25 years of life, my wonderful husband, the amazing friends I’ve made in our new state of residency, and most importantly, my God, who gave me life and well, everything.

So yes, today I turned 25.
But I still don’t look a day over Sixteen

Will you look out your window to find a Moose happily eating off your neighbors tree. No big deal. We’ve been here about two months now and never tire of seeing Moose outside our backyard gate, on the side of the road, and walking around the commissary parking lot. I’m sure I can think of more places, too. My record so far has been 4 Moose sightings in one day.

For the first month after we arrived, we would see only cows and occasionally their little ones. You gotta watch out for those ones though, they are protective of their little Mooselings. For the past two weeks, however, there have been more manly bulls roaming around with their growing antlers. While it’s quite obvious that you shouldn’t walk up to one and try to be it’s bff, they’re actually peaceful animals and don’t seem to get phased by 10+ cars pulled over on the street to take their picture. They pretty much mind their own business. And on days like today when I have somewhat of the Weather Blues and I look out my window to find a little fella grazing on the grass, it always makes me smile.

And yes, I just dedicated a blog post to Moose. Is it obvious that I’m in a bit of a writer’s block?

Pretty simple, yes. But there’s nothing that relaxes me more than sitting down with tea or coffee, reading, writing down thoughts and prayers, and maybe swooping in on some cuddle time when that strapping husband of mine comes home from work (asleep or not, but usually…he falls asleep eventually. See last post).

Simple is never boring for us.

…less than 15 minutes from my house.

The fact that I am lucky enough to be making a home with the love of my life and sharing this journey with him. A journey of unmade beds, piled up dirty dishes, and leaving lights on. But also a journey of slow dancing in the kitchen (yes, we ARE that couple), decorating with what little we have, and quality time in the AM before he goes off to work.

Getting encouraged by some wonderful wives here and my sis-in-law back home to pursue my love for photography further…(not to mention having them be my guinea pigs and pose for me so I can get the experience!)

and last but not least, taking full advantage of it when the sun does decide to pop out and say hello.

By the end of the day, I realized that this won’t be the last time I’ll get the weather blues. But God will remind me once again, how good He is and how much He has blessed my tiny family. So once again I will say, we are blessed. So. Incredibly. Blessed.

Bring it on snow and darkness, I’ll be welcoming you with open arms.

our backyard at 11:48pm

Today we purchased our first car together. Our time over these past few days and basically since we’ve moved in has been spent accumulating the food, supplies, and important things we need to be on our own. We are learning, taking the steps, and going through the motions…newlywed status. Although we have been married for two years we are finally on our own for the first time. It’s scary, exciting, stressful, overwhelming, thrilling, and absolutely wonderful. Being here has made me realize how blessed we have been throughout our marriage and how thankful we are for his family providing us shelter. Now that we have left the nest and built our own, things have definitely changed. Petty disagreements, staying up late making budgeting lists, fighting over who does the dishes only to make up with kisses and tickle fests minutes later, getting blessed with pans, plates, and cups from our new neighbors. Yeah…I’m lovin’ it here. Absolutely.

As we drove home from the dealership in our new car, Switchfoot’s “This Is Home” came on the radio and as I stared contently out the window I thanked God silently for a roof over our head, food in the fridge, and now a car. When I turned to glance at my husband, I saw that same content smile on his face. Life is good. This is home.

a celebratory batch of cookies i made after dinner tonight.

The next time I blog, I will be blogging to you straight from Anchorage, Alaska! I can’t believe how fast time flew by in a span of 10 days. Please keep Jimmy and I in your prayers/thoughts for a safe flight(s) within the next few hours (I get uneasy and jittery on planes) and smooth travelling. The time has come to say goodbye to sunny Southern California and say hello to snow, hours of daylight and darkness, and definitely a new adventure.

There are so many things and people I’m going to miss. Starting with family. I’m going to miss my mother-in-law’s selflessness and wise words when I’m caught in a bind, my father-in-law’s teasing and stealing food off my plate, spontaneous photography adventures with my sister-in-law Jhen and talking in blog language, My brother-in-law Jon who NEVER fails to crack me up and has perfected timing for “Thats what she said” jokes, shopping trips with my sister-in-law Jacky and her voice of reason (mostly when it came to purchases, but so many other things too) and last but definitely not least…my sweet niece, baby Josselyn. The little girl who could instantly cheer me up during all those times when I was missing her uncle. I know that if it weren’t for her, it would have been much harder to get through these last few months. As much as leaving everyone is hard to think about, tears well up in my eyes within seconds when I think about saying goodbye to her.

But I’m certainly not intending for this to be a sad post. Bittersweet, absolutely….but my heart is SO full and the timing is so right for us to finally leave the nest my in-laws have so graciously opened up to us and begin making our own. God has been so good to us this past year and for a while I wasn’t able to see that. Oh my, so much has changed. We are so blessed. SO blessed!

Be back soon!