(Beware: Text heavy and picture-less post ahead!)

Inspired by this post and many other posts I’ve seen lately in the “blog world” about not portraying a perfect life and being real, I decided to sit down and share. I’ve been wanting to make a post about this for a while, but with all the baby talk and hoopla I kind of pushed it to the side. But one of the main reasons it’s taken me so long to write this out is because I love my privacy and it’s more enjoyable to write about the happy things to keep that privacy, Plus, my mindset has always been, “Why would I want to look back on all the painful memories I blogged about?” In a nutshell…keeping things happy and positive on a blog is just easier.

Can you guess what I’m about to say next? My life isn’t always happy and positive. I’m not always happy and positive. So let me divulge a bit and attempt to break out of my privacy bubble and fill you in on some of the not-so-amazing. You know, while I am being raw and honest here, I guess a part of me always looked down on those who aired out their dirty laundry and problems to everyone via the internet. And that was wrong of me, but I do believe there is a way to be honest and real, all the while keeping it classy. Hopefully I can find that balance. So here goes.

Maybe the realization that our family is expanding in the near future has got me thinking about all the changes, routines, and sacrifices we will have to make. Since we found out I am expecting, I’ve been trying to keep a realistic mindset and not assume that being parents is all about snuggling, laughter, cute baby faces and noises and whatnot. Sure, those are the enjoyable parts and I cannot wait to experience them. But, it does seem really hard. And that scares me for a few reasons.

Okay, I love to sleep. I really do. Ask any of my close friends or family and they will tell you the same. If I could get away with it every day, I would sleep until noon. I cherish my sleep, and I am not a pleasant person when I haven’t gotten what I think is enough sleep either. So I try to imagine myself getting woken up every two to three hours by desperate baby cries of hunger and dirty diapers and I get a little worried. I hear it comes naturally and you just DO it, but among the many doubts and struggles I go through, oddly enough sleep is one of them and I worry about being irritated and angry with my perfectly innocent child for my own selfish reasons.

Secondly, I hate to clean. I really, really don’t like it. If I wasn’t already lazy enough, I would get up and take a picture of the pile of unsorted laundry thats sitting on our bed at this moment, the pile of dirty dishes in the sink, Layla’s doggie toys scattered all over the living room floor and show you all. But I’ll pass…mostly because I’m lazy. Jimmy is actually more into cleanliness and organization than I am but I try not to put all of the cleaning on him so we tag team it…but it’s rare that I’ll do it without a couple whiny noises here and there. It frustrates me that something everyone does is THAT hard for me and I’m already anticipating how much more will need to be done when we have a tiny baby.
And pretty much, I’ll just say this. If I am not planning on leaving the house, I am either in PJ’s or yoga pants, with a hoodie and unwashed hair. I could go on but hopefully by now you get the drift.

And my marriage. I love being married to Jimmy. He is my best friend and I love him more than words could describe. But like everyone else, our marriage needs work. We have hurt each other in ways no one else has. I disrespect him when I’m upset with sarcasm or the silent treatment, eyerolling, or storming out. He corrects me in front of people and makes me feel small sometimes, and he never rinses the milk from the bottom of his cup leaving crusty stains that I have to scrub off (Ok, I know that’s not a big deal but it drives me insaneee and I know he will read this so I just had to). And yes, we do go to bed angry sometimes. There is more but I’m afraid the rest is just between us and God. We’ve had a taste of what it’s like for God to not be at the center of our marriage and the further we are away from Him, I’m realizing that the petty fights, questionable thoughts, and disrespect happens more often and is more intense.

I don’t want to end this post with a fluffy speech about how I love my life regardless of it’s messiness because that’s a given. I have come far from such a broken childhood and hating life (that subject alone deserves a whole other post that I am planning on writing about in the future) that I am so grateful to be where I am now and I only have Christ to thank for that. But I just want to apologize if I have ever came off as one of those blogs who is so unbelievably happy and perfect that when you scroll through their posts, you actually feel bad about yourself. I’ve been there and have felt that way, too. I doubt any blogger means to come off that way and TRIES to make people feel inadequate by looking like they have it all together and can do it all. But I’ve seen both sides and I just want to show you all the truth about me, us, and I hope that I can be someone who is relatable to you, rather than someone who just doesn’t seem to ever have problems!

And typing this post has motivated me to get up and get to those dishes as they are directly across from me in plain view, so before that motivation fades (the more I’m typing the more it’s fading) I better get on it!